How Stars Can Help You Invest – Weird Money

Do you know that less than 30% of Americans have a financially based retirement plan?

An additional 60% have what I call a biological retirement plan.

Never heard of that?

It basically means they plan to work a job they hate until they have a massive stroke at work and die.

Fun stuff.

Well, in this episode of Weird Money we’re going to be discussing retirement and Celestial Investing.

Right now we have a nation full of people with no plan for their later years.

Why? Well if you listen to cranky old people, it’s because the Boomers, Gen-xers, and Millennials failed to plan.

Aren’t old people cute?

The Greatest Generation likes to forget that they came from a time where you could have one mildly skilled job for 40 years. Those days are gone.

So are the days where you were guaranteed a pension. Yup, those don’t exist anymore either.

You could buy a house for a single year’s salary…

…and that’s adjusted for inflation.

Social security was a sure thing… but that’s poised to go up in smoke annnnny second now.

So, most of us lazy “young people” actually need to come up with a plan on our own.

Mutual funds have garbage interest rates.

401ks are bubbles waiting to burst.

My alpaca farm didn’t work out… but the steaks were good though.

So, what the heck should the rest of us invest in?

Let me introduce you to the world of Celestial Investing.

Also known as Financial Astrology.

This is where you find an astrologer who is also a stock fund manager to invest based on both star charts and stock charts.

Probably the most famous of these “stock gurus” is Arch Crawford.

Since 1977, Arch has leveraged extensive research into the astrophysical phenomenon, astrology and its correlation to market performance to guide his investment strategies.

Sounds pretty impressive huh?

He also hasn’t updated his website since 2003.

So, as always do your research.

A more prominent financial astrologer that hasn’t fallen off the face of the earth is Nepal’s Santosh Vashistha.

Now most astrologers don’t have an overabundance of references, but Vashistha boasts clients ranging from Hollywood and Bollywood celebrities to Nepal’s Minister of Finance.

In 2017, he was named the best astrologer by the Asian Astrologer Congress, The International Ministry of Magic and the World Astrology Federation.

(By the way, two of those are real and one is a Harry Potter reference.)

Stateside, we have examples like W.D. Gann, a financial astrologer born in Texas in 1875, who became a legendary trader.

Even industry titans J.P. Morgan and Charles Schwab consulted with financial astrologer Evangeline Adams.

“Millionaires don’t need astrology—billionaires do.”

JP. Morgan said that… probably.

You can get sessions with highly regarded Financial astrologers for about $125 an hour.

Is it worth it?

That’s not for me to say.

Once I paid a hundred dollars to use a sensory deprivation tank.

Apparently, I thought floating in a giant egg filled with warm water, salt and a non-zero amount of human urine was worth it at the time…

So…. Maybe?

Frankly, an astrologer has as much right to give advice as most financial advisors. So it’s up to you to decide if you believe or not.

Vashistha’s takes your personal information and inputs it into a Nepali app called SkyVision to see what was happening in the skies.

Then he maps the planetary configurations on paper grids to determine your impending health, wealth, love, and longevity.

In today’s bull markets, some investors are eager to integrate any data to help them invest, even if the information has otherworldly origins.
Less than 30% of Americans have a retirement plan unless you count all the people just planning to drop dead at work.

Social Security, Mutual Funds and 401ks look pretty bleak.

Meanwhile, Celestial Investing could be a way to use the patterns of the cosmos to predict and influence your investment strategies.

America’s robber, Barrons, and Nepal’s Minister of finance seem to think there’s merit to this mystical financial tool.

And frankly a psychic has about the same chance of picking a solid investment as some “ financial planner.”

That wraps up this episode of Weird Money.

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